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[02 Jul 2002|05:07pm] |
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You'll never understand this. You'll never understand me. You remeber how you told me you can only say oh well so many times before the well fills up and overflows?Well my well for you just overflowed. I give up, I fucking quit. I am so sick of this. Sitting at my computer trying to keep the tears out of my eyes so I can see what I'm typing.My blotter has waves in it from so many fucking tears. I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm happier without you than with you.
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[21 Jun 2002|03:19pm] |
well well well. nothinmg to say really. the older i get the unhappier i become. I rememeber everyday feeling fresh and new, a new chance to start over, but that feeling is gojne now. i've been writing in a pen-and paper journal a lot too. maybe one day ill transfer those to here, there's some pretty good stuff in there. i miss school, a little. i miss my therapists. right now all im really thinking about is boys and how very much id like one. there are boys i could have but, i want a boy that i actually like. my best buddy deanna has a new boyfriend now and hanging around those two just mnakes me hurt. i think i might be sexually frustrated too, another reason to get myslef a boyfriend, i dont want to do anything with someone i dont know. i drink too much and i miss my old life. my youth.
"i need a boy to ride, ride, ride..."
-p. didy
ha. i listened to lateralus for the first time in like 6 months today. that is such an awesome cd...."maybe someday i won't be so lonely and ill walk on water, eveery chance i get"
right now, if i could have anything i would want to hold terrances hand tell him i love him. i know it wouldnt work out, but i just want to go back, just for 10 minutes to aterramie. "FAITH IN WHAT, IN US. ATTERAMIE FOREVER..."
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[30 May 2002|08:41pm] |
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And there it goes, every bad feeling known to the human race rising from the ground and flying at me with every intention of knocking me down and tearing my tissue from my bones. I have a collection now. So many different bad feelings about so many different bad things, and when they come together they just become this big multi-colored monster knawing at my eyeballs, begging me to break down. Begging me to cry. Yesterday, I broke. It all hit me at once. I broke, I cried until I screamed, and I dom't feel even a little better about anything. AT LEAST tomorrow is Friday and I can wander off to somewheres and get some smoke. The buuz is a butterfly and my body is the net. It takes work, but I'll catch it.
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[03 May 2002|03:03pm] |
Well look it this, the cycle begins again. just when I thought i was okay agauin just when I gthought these brekyuop dealies would be norhting, her it comes gain full circle blinding my sense like a big emotional eclipse. Well, here is where I stand. There is only one erson I know that I truly understand and truly cannot stand, Laura. And look who terrance decides as his next lover, Laura. Oh geez that hurts. I thought about it, this Terrance seeing and dating other people thing is my problem, my quirk, and if Terrance can't be even slightly sensative to that thn he can't be in my life bacause I'm just driving myslef half crazy thinking about him and fucking Laura. SO I told him this I said I can't be his friend anymore. And I know that's what I'm goping to have to do. I guess I'm just back at the point where. Oh thats all I want is to not hve to look at him and get sick to my fucking stom ach. This isn't fair, why is this happening. All he wants is to be happy and all I want to do is kill him...
i dont want to talk to you anymore
imafraid of what i might say
i bite my tounge everytime you come around
cause blood in my mouht bets blood on the ground.
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[18 Apr 2002|06:04pm] |
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Feeling kind of crazy. I found out yesterday my greta grandma had a stroke and today I found out my stepgrandma might have breast cancer. Sh went in for a mammogram and thy found "something", which isn't too suprising because she smokes more than I do. But with her being a former nurse and all you think she'd rememeber to check for that sort of thing. I've gone alll this time and the only person I ever met and knew if even slightly, that died was this lasdy that worked with my mom I had met like 3 times, and she died 3 years after the last time I'd seen her. That's as close as I've gotten to death. Now I'm scared, I'm used to the feeling of people you love being gone alll fo a sudden (sigh) but this is just sufffer,sufffer ok gone forever. Hey I don't think these Grandmas are going to die, but I guess I want to mentally prepare myslef;just in case. Yeek. Creepy. What if like Desmonmd or terrance or my mom or somebody died? They could piss off some crazy person and get shot or stabbed or both. Who am I kidding, Desmond could never pisss off anyone....But still...I don't know, I knowww all of these people are going to die someday anyway, but it's just..I don't know..Death is scarier I guess for a person who's not religious. Myabe suicide is easier for religious people. I know god probably wouldn't want people hanging aroubnd(haha pardon the pun) that killed themselves, but even hell is something. I'm sure tht once I die, my organs shut down and forwhatever reason t hey'll take my corpse and stick it in a hole with a big rock on top...Hmmm..
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[30 Mar 2002|06:52pm] |
I just realized..terrance and I have been broken up for a whole month now.
Maybe I can do it.
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| Easter Eve! |
[30 Mar 2002|06:33pm] |
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Dredg-Redrawing the island map |
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Yayayayayayaya. I'm feeling, ok. I read terrance's journal dealy today; I can't help it, and found out about his suicide attempts. Oh geez that scared me but we talked about and hopefully got things worked out, I think we did at least. Today was a good day, i helped my ma with easter preperations and whatnot. I'm so sick of talking about God-damned boys. I'm considering just feeding my bisexualit until I become a full blown lesbian. Boys are stupid and confusing and never ever want tio twell you how they really feel. So now my boys are just friends. Which is good. I've been talking to terrance a lot lately about our realtionship and such.
Thursday night I fell asleep on the phone, I must've been asleep for a good 15 minutes, and my brother hung up the phone. I don't know if he was still on it though, then Friday morning I called over there and a woman told me had the wrong number; which I know I didn't. But then today when I called over there his mom said he'd tell him call me and that he's at his brothers house. This was around 2, it's 10 to 7 now.. Hmmm.
But other than that life is pretty much the same, i'm on Spring Break unitl the 8th, hopefully that willl yeild some good times. Times worth remembering.
Well thats about. Happy easter darlins.
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| Theer she blows |
[20 Mar 2002|07:19pm] |
Life is going okay again, well maybe not ok but consistent nonetheless. Hmmmm?lets see I went out with Desmond or a good 10 days then broke things off. A mixture of guilt and relationship exhaustion wore him down in a hot second. I?ve been hanging out with this guy Shawn a lot lately. I met him through Deanna who knew him from tae-kwon-do way back when. He?s cool, a little arrogant but isn?t everyone I know?
Lets see, I?ve been smoking loooottttttsssss of Buddha. Probably too much, but what can I say? I?m a teen. Terrance and I are still without each other. I hate it sometimes, well most of the time but sometimes its fun to be single. You know that feeling? hen its nice outside and dark and a clear night or I?m just really happy I have this nice warm feeling like imp free, a part of the earth and other hippies shit, I haven?t gotten that feeling in so long I can?t remember. I miss it though. Is it jut my slowly slipping youth or am I really getting sad again. I?m using material things to keep me up but that can only last me so long. Like I?ve been wearing my headphones a lot, and a lot of Buddha and just doing my bets to pamper myself but that can only take you so far.
I?m lonely. Not horribly but I miss sleeping with boys so much it could kill me, not figuratively sleeping with, just lying next to and all that other mushy shit. I think that?s the only reason I want Terrance back sometimes. I can, although vaguely remember how our relationship was. I was unhappy and it sucked and I just wanted to be done with him, so no matter what I don?t want to get back into that. BUT I want the physical part the lovey-dovey-muchy wushy crap. SO I think, I could have Terrance or Desmond or Shawn but I don?t want any of them. Then I guess that?s what I?ll have. Typing and talking and such make me realize stuff. SO no boys, well none of the boys I already have. I?m done?
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| Phew that was some short lived hapiness |
[27 Feb 2002|07:45pm] |
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I'm extra miserable right now. I want to change myself, I know that much. I just don't know how to. I don?t know if I'm changeable. I'm so deceiving and a liar at that. Terrance just signed on and I want to talk to him, but I don't know what to say. "How's the single life?" Does he just want some pity form me, or his he honestly unhappy? The only thing he's managing to come off as is an asshole. Maybe that?s just all he is, an asshole. He looks down on me, I know he does. He thinks I'm stupid and I make dumb jokes but I?ve got tits and he lets me push him around so its ok. It's funny; what he considered getting better was the worst week of our relationship for me. Was it because I was suddenly taking some of the slack? I don't want to be babied, but I think it?s the only thing I know how to be. I hate myself today, and I don't know how to fix it and I don't know if I want to. My life sucks, I suck, maybe I should just accept that and let myself waste away. It?s going to happen anyway, what?s wrong with speeding up the process? Should I be sorry for breaking up with Terrance? I don't feel sad about it, but I'm not happy either. I want to cut extra badly and right now I'm not really sure what the hell is stopping me. I didn't know it showed so much when I was unhappy. All day everyone wants to know is what?s wrong and all I can really say is that I broke up with Terrance. But I know what it really is is much different. I love Terrance, so why can't I just sacrifice my happiness for once? Why can't I lie myself on the line? I'm a coward and a pussy and I miss Matt, he understood this. It was okay to be introverted with us, and we liked it that way. We were each other together and I loved it. Now I'm left with two ex-boyfriends who won't speak to me. Maybe I do suck. Maybe I am just a waste of time and space. But if you died, you'd be letting them win. Maybe if I'm going to be a self-centered bitch, I should be the best self-centered bitch that I can be. That won't work though. You know you want people and drama and love and all that good stuff. All I really see inside of myself is insecurity and I'm really starting to wonder if that?s all that?s there. Maybe happiness and self-confidence are overrated. Is it wrong for me to like Desmond? NO matter how much shit Terrance has put you through, he doesn't deserve this. I can?t actually be considering going out with him... I'm a horrible she-bitch. Sop what do I do now? I want to leave, but I won't go alone. And I can't go with Terrance; whatever love he had for me is gone. Desmond? DO I honestly want to leave with Desmond? I don't think we would work. So maybe I should go back to the old routine, lots of drugs and lots of sex. But if I do that I start doing bad in school. So maybe I'll just isolate myself and sleep a lot for a few weeks. Maybe I should go back to my old days of doing nothing but hanging out with myself with the occasional pot or whatever. Maybe I just need to clean out my head a little. OK, that'll work. +Happy things, - bad things....
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| Feeling Goooood |
[23 Feb 2002|04:36pm] |
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Dredg-Propellers |
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I used to have a whole lotta stuff in here but I went into some psyco idenity crisis bullshit and deleted it all. I promised myself I wouldn't write in it again until I was happy, so here I am. Feeling good. The only thing is though, and I'm sure its no coincidence, is that yesterday was a step back into a year ago. I hung out with a whole buncha people and had fun, and I guess most last-yearedly smoked pot. I missed MR. P so much. BUT I can't do bad things so terrance won't do bad things. I honestly truly and deep down in me believe that what these shrinks have to do/say could do that boy some good. So for him to be good, so do I. That sucks though because my ability to smile a lot might just go away if I'm being good. Oh well. I'm in too much of a play it by ear mood to let something like lack of drugs get to me. I'm at my house for the first time in 2 days or so. Well since all of my previous entries mysteriously dissapeared I guess I'll tell the world a little about myself. I'm fifteen; a female and I live in a teeny little suburb of Detroit named Redford. Em, I have a boyfriend named terrance which i'm sure you'll be hearing a lot about. And I,for the time being lead a fairly eventful life. Well I'm going to go. Catch ya on the rebound, whatever the hell that means...
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juvenilecliche's journal